The Broken Toy Heart
by AbraFilo
Summary: This takes place a week and a half after Goodwin's death. Ben thinks over his mistakes, regrets and the fact that he's dying then decides he has to have a meaningful conversation with Juliet.


Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of its character the events that take place are purely fictional and are not to be confused with the actual Lost timeline.

I wonder how long I will be here, on this Earth and alive. Now that I'm dying it seems that everyday just overlaps far into the next to lesson the time I have. It hurts because I have regrets, so many regrets that I can no longer sleep at night, nor can I bring myself to look her in the eyes again. I know that what I did was wrong but I couldn't stop myself and I couldn't foresee that Juliet would know it was my doing no matter who did the dirty work and was left with bloodied hands. I also can't understand why I would gladly admit my crime to her, maybe she already knew and it didn't matter, I never acted so stupid in all my life. I've told myself for over a week that I should talk to her and say something, anything, but I'm scared. Imagine that, Benjamin Linus, the all-knowing leader of the Others, the chosen one, scared. As much as they would laugh and shake their heads with dissaproval I have every reason and right to be scared. She is one of only three people that I care for beyond any question or doubt and she hates me more than any other human or being on this world.

Everyone knows what I did and everyone is so dissapointed in me and I can't find or create any reason to make them approve of my actions lately, probably because there is none. I should have thought with my head and not with my jealous heart. All of my judgements around Juliet have always been so wrong and done nothing but cause us misery. At one point I used to think of myself as an excellent judge of character and personality, not with her, not anymore. I find that the hardest part of this is knowing that it's me, not her that is at fault. I leave my room for the second time today, I have sat here since last night thinking and left only to take a shower and change. I also moved to cross out another day on my calender, counting down the days I might have left if luck and Jacob will permit, I feel so useless and to a greater extent helpless. It reminds me of childhood, not being able to convince my dad to stop drinking or to change the fact that he hated the very sight of me just because I was conveniant to blame and there was not a thing I could do about it. I need to speak to her again even if I don't know what to say, just to see her again would help. I need to leave this room and this house before I drown in my bitter memories and heartaching regrets.

It's a cooler day out than I would have guessed by looking out my window and I know that it's going to rain. I speed up and arrive near her office within minutes while trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, I don't want an audience and I'm sure Juliet would like it the same way. If an audience was attracted she would think that I was trying to prove something and she would be right about that, I like an audience present when I prove a point. But this is different, this is beteewn us and like that it will stay. I soon find myself at the open door and she is sitting at the desk like she was last time and the instant she raises her head she will see me standing quietly at her office door with the look of a lost child. In a way I am lost, we all are at some point and at this time I don't know how or why I ended up here, in this room, guilty of a good deal of the recent misery in her life. Juliet drops her pen beside the paper she was reading with a frustrated sigh and adjusts herself to a more comfortable position in the chair. She is going to look up within a minute or so after giving up on the paper entirely and this doesn't give me enough time to put together what I should say, as hard as I try I can't think of anything. She looks up sooner than I thought she would and her burning, hateful gaze is directed at me with the red hot intensity of a laser. I open my mouth then shut it, then repeat once more before I bow my head knowing that I won't think of anything to say.

"Why are **You** here?" She demands in a very severe tone.

I have often thought of taking the approach of arguing her down by saying something like "If you hadn't..." "What did you expect?" more or less to say it wasn't my fault. But I know that would just be childish and it may be what I want to believe but I could never bring myself to lie to her. Not hearing a reply she roughly pushes back in her chair, gets up and I hear her taking great strides towards me. I feel a sweat emerge across my hairline, I can't run away and forget about this now.

"Why are you here" She demands again standing in front of me, I don't see her face though, I have kept my gaze on the floor since she first spoke so I'm looking at her shoes. She angrily pulls my head up by the chin to look her in the beautiful, perfect and sad eyes. A week ago if she had taken such a bold movement on me it would have caught me by suprise, today i'm just relieved she hasn't taken a more violent approach to this. I'm fully prepared for that and to some point i'm even expecting it.

"You know I really hate it when people don't look me in the eyes because it makes me think they're lying" Juliet continues.

"I'm sorry" I whisper and immediatly wish my voice had more volume to it.

"No, your not" she says her face somewhere between sorrow and disgust "This must be the first time you have lied to me Ben".

"I'm not lying" I protest "I am sorry, i'm sorry I was jealous, i'm sorry I didn't talk to Harper and ask for help, i'm sorry that I hurt you and i'm sorry that I can't take it back". I confess all this in a voice that's much more mine than the mousy whisper I had spoke in to apologize. I look her straight in the eyes all the while and can tell that she doesn't fully believe me, I don't know why.

"Why would you want to take it back Ben?" she asks spitefully.

"Because i'm dying"

Juliet looks furious.

"Oh so you want to take it back because you don't have the **Time** to fool me into actually loving you?!" she screams.

"No, I didn't-"

"Your regretting it because you don't have time to make up for your mistakes and crimes is that it, or am I suddenly just not worth your time anymore?!"

"Please, listen" I plead but it falls on deaf ears.

"Your **Exactly** like Edmund, he loved me for a while too then I found him with some other, younger and prettier women! Suddenly I just wasn't good enough! he only loved me for the fun of winning me over before he left me broken! Your just like him Ben, your **Sick**, just like him!"

She has screamed this all in my face and it hurts like a well placed knife through the heart and in reality it actually does feel like my heart is crying, choking my voice so I can not speak any more lies or truth, maybe then she won't hurt me with her cold words and accusing eyes. It hurts mostly because I know she really means it. Her tired and pain filled expression tells the volumes of how much she really means it, the tears tell it too. It has never mattered that I would never hurt her, It has never mattered that I feel deep and unwavering love for her it has only ever mattered that she suspects me of possesing a wicked heart.

"Why would you say that?" I ask sounding just as hurt as I feel. I never try adding or lessoning strength or emotion in my voice when I'm around Juliet, it's just another style of lying.

"Because someone needs to tell you" Juliet answers coldly wiping the tears away in the sleeves of her labcoat "Everyone else would tell you but they're too scared".

"Do you think my daughter is scared of me too?" I question in a voice so sharp it could slice metal.

"She hid her relationship didn't she"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means she's becoming like you Ben, scared to show emotion or certain aspects of her life to certain people who she know would pose a threat to it".

"When have-"

"Richard was the last to find out about your crush, don't think no one noticed you walking around in very strange patterns or climbing through the stations windows at certain hours of the day".

"Look this isn't about them, this is about you Juliet" I say realizing that she has succesfully changed the whole conversation around. I just want to talk to her about the things that matter to her and forget about everything else that's wrong in my life, even if it only lasts a minute or two.

"I think we have talked enough Ben" She answers "I want you to leave".

I'm taken off guard by this request even if I knew it was coming I can't help but to try to think of what I could say to make her listen and understand.

"Out" Juliet commands more forcefully stepping forward. I can hear the rain start to fall and thunder in the distance.

"I just want to-"

"Out!"

"I love you and all you can think about is yourself!"

I knew that was a mistake before it even left my mouth but couldn't stop myself in time and it feels so strange and terrifying to trip on my own words for the second time in only two weeks. when talking with Juliet nothing goes through the mental filter becasue she would suspect me of being dishonest, not that it's ever helped anyway. I keep it up solely because in the end I want to have a clean conscience about one thing at least, I have **Never** lied to Juliet. At that moment, if she had any trace of any other emotion on her face earlier it was long gone with my hopes of her ever forgiving me in my remaining lifetime. Now the only thing I was seeing was full blown rage and in seeing this I took a quick step back so I was out in the rain knowing that this time I had went too far. Watching her hand I see it twitch and am sure it's because she'd like to strike me right here and now.

"**Who**?!" she snarls behind clenched teeth while tears flow freely down her cheeks once more.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I mean who do I look like?"

A chill goes through my very soul at this question how does she know about her? about them? Harper must have said something. No she **Did **say something she is the only person who-

"Who the hell is it Ben!?" she screams, startling me from my thoughts.

"No, I can't say" I answer.

"Why not? it can't possibly do you anymore harm at this point"

"Your going to have to figure it out for yourself like everyone else did. From your point of view you would call it sick, I just don't think you would understand"

Juliet goes to slam the door and I put my left hand in to stop her but unlike with her hand she doesn't have any problem physically harming me with a door. It crashes on my finger tips and they crack open under the nails then pour blood all down the white door and it's frame. I supress a scream and instead gasp then hold my breath while fighting back the tears. the door opens only to let me pull my fingers back and as i'm clutching my wounded hand the door shuts again and locks, three times.

Back at my house I run cold water over my hands squinting and wincing at every moment of the pain, I lost my finger nails somewhere between here and there. It's almost lunch and i'm still not hungry and this isn't from the sight of my blue, black and purple finger tips. I havn't had an appetite in over a week but Richard is checking in on me everyday at supper to make sure I eat one meal at least. I realize that the sink has a red tint to it now and I know i'll have to wash it with bleach, and soon. Alex could drop in out of the blue at any given time and see it, she has convinced herself that I murdered her boyfriend and is determined to find proof and remind me everytime I see her. I never killed him or even harmed him for that matter I only seperated them, I know that she's only thinking of Goodwin but that was different, I wish I could prove to her that he's fine without actually showing her him in person. She said the photos were doctured and a written statement in his own writing was a brilliant forgery that I wrote up myself, that's where I drew the line and told her to believe what she wanted. I don't know how my life fell apart so quickly but it did. I have talked with both the people I have wanted to patch things up with and only quickened the deterioration of both relationships. I wrap up my fingers in a towel that I never really liked and walk into the living room taking a seat on the couch. The blood has stopped flowing but I still feel as though four miniature hearts are beating in each of the four crushed fingers, they're painful to the touch.

I have very little time to live and sometimes I find myself wishing I had died three years ago, the happiest days of my life. Then I remind myself that wishing death upon myself is the most pathetic thing I could possibly stoop to. I would only be making others miserable because i'm temporarily unhappy and that is low. I rise from the couch and jog down the hall then walk into my office that has remained the same for years. The window is still behind the large desk and uncomfortable chair that faces away from it and this is still my favorite place in the house to watch the rainstorms, the window is fairly big but that isn't the only reason. I have a lot of emotional memories hiding in this room and as I finish taking in the sight of the whole room I start towards the desk, where the best memory of all is kept safe and forgotten to all but me. I walk around the wooden structure and kneel down to unlock the cabinet and take out the box, I almost don't manage to turn the key with my left hand throbbing everytime it so much as brushes something. I eventually remove the ancient cardboard box from the drawer and carefully open it to take out the doll under the faded ribbon that in recent years I have also placed in the box. Looking at her I'm happy to see that she looks the same as always, smiling up at me and just happy that i'm here. it makes me remember that sometime, a long time ago someone knew I needed a friend, that despite all of my many serious faults someone actually cared.

* * *

**Authors Note: Well Vincent I think I completed your challenge, I erased the song from the story though cuz I read in the rules I could get in serious trouble, I wouldn't exactly call it a romance but it deals with the love. Overall i'm just happy I managed to do one Valentine special. **


End file.
